Bad enough that 16-year-old Sophie's mother has been killed by a texting driver. Just when Sophie thinks it can't get any worse, it does. She's forced to move to Massachusetts and live with her eccentric aunt, a chronic hoarder who spends her days perusing the town dump for items she can sell on eBay. Sophie's only means of keeping herself clean includes a shower that spews wastewater and a washing machine that hasn't worked in years. Arriving at Hingham High on her first day of school with greasy hair and wearing stained clothing, Sophie's immediately targeted as bully-bait for a clan of popular girls known as The Wicked Cools.
A hallway collision with Luc, another new student, changes everything. Luc and Sophie quickly become more than friends and begin hanging out with a group of social outliers who meet regularly in Suicide Garden, a walled-off area between school hallways where the young visionary architect of the school is rumored to have killed himself nearly 50 years earlier.
But the bullying escalates. During a field trip to a nuclear facility, a fight erupts between Luc and Chad, a football player who makes a comment about Sophie's lack of hygiene. The scuffle takes Luc, Sophie, and Chad into a high-security part of the facility. Soon after, Chad disintegrates in the back seat of a police cruiser. He's found dead days later, considerably older and killed by a bullet containing a metal alloy yet to be invented. With increasing alarm, Sophie and Luc realize that the field trip incident has somehow made it possible for them to move through time.
As they watch each other intermittently disintegrate into the past and future they discover that, by 2065, corporate abuse and greed have decimated the planet and left millions of survivors slowly starving to death. Sophie begins a long journey to meet her and Luc's grown daughter, a
woman who's harnessed the power of time travel to transport clean soil and water and build a sustainable new world order. And when Luc stumbles upon a grainy photograph of the young architect taken during the 1962 high school dedication ceremony, he sees that the face of the man staring back at him from across the decades is hauntingly familiar. Because it happens to be his own.
Hi there! You may remember me from such blogs as Janet Reid, Literary Agent. I saw your post and thought I'd come see your query.
ReplyDeleteMind you, my query was also one of the "horrible" ones from the contest entries, so I don't know how much of an authority I am on writing a good one. Take everything below with a few grains of salt.
I think the first two paragraphs are mostly backstory. It's great for a synopsis, but I think you might get more out of starting with the disintegrating kids part! It sounds like a fascinating story, and I'd love to read more, but I think the opening of the query should be Sophie watching the bully disintegrate in the back of a police cruiser after the incident at the nuclear facility. That's where the story stands out!
My two cents, and hopefully not wooden nickels. Still, It sounds like a unique and interesting premise. I'd read more!
Good luck!
I agree with Mittens. Start with the disintegrating kids for sure. Sounds like a really good read!
ReplyDeleteI'm ALL for dissecting and brutally beating each others queries! Woohooo!
ReplyDelete(We're all masochists, you know it?)
I received my first OFFICIAL (read: not from friends and family) query critique just yesterday, so I'm already making changes, but you can see just how horrible it is here: http://jessarussowrites.blogspot.com/2012/04/my-biggest-regret-as-newbie-writer.html
And seriously, this was AFTER doing a TON of research on both Query Shark and many other agenty places. Ugh.
As far as your query goes, Susan, I'm a little confused about the accident and the time travel. I mean, I get it, but I had to read it a couple of times to understand. So maybe skipping the first two paragraphs like Mittens said, and starting with more of an explanation of why the boy was suddenly disintegrating. Just a thought.
Now with that said, I really like the back story, especially the names you've given the cliques, the info on the hoarding Aunt (which gives us more info re: Sophie's home life), etc. So maybe you can rearrange the paragraphs or insert relevant info into other parts of the query. Starting with disintegrating students pulls the reader right in, but the other information is good too, so maybe just try rearranging it. (?)
Of course, like the rest of our contest buddies, I'm a newbie as well and surely no expert, so take from that what you will.)
I really like the premise though and think you have a great idea on your hands! I hope to see more!
Hi Susan,
ReplyDeleteI popped by after seeing your post on Janet Reid's blog. Like Mittens and Sam, I'm no expert either. That said, here goes...
I agree that the beginning appears to be backstory. I've heard that, instead of attempting to explain what happens in your book, you should find the initial inciting incident (what gets the ball rolling) and set up the basic conflict within the first 30 to 50 pages. Example:(Main Character) experiences {conflict/ initial inciting incident) and they must overcome (obstacle).
In applying this formula (or something like it) to your book, it seems like the time travel aspect is the more important thing to focus on (rather than bullying and moving to MA, etc). So, your query could be built around Sophie's discovery that she can travel through time (MC and inciting incident) and what obstacle she has to overcome (to save the people of the future from starvation at the hands of a corporate elite).
So, perhaps, start with something like: "When Sophie attends a new high school, she thinks bullies like the Wicked Cools are her worst problem. She couldn't be more wrong... (then explain the time travel bit and the problem she's presented with)"
Some resources I've found helpful, other than Query Shark (obviously!), are Noah Lukeman's free ebook: http://www.lukeman.com/greatquery/download.htm , Kristen Nelson's posts on query writing: http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2007/09/query-for-demons-lexicon-that-landed-me.htm , & Nathan Brandsford's posts on query writing: http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/08/how-to-write-query-letter.html
Good luck on polishing up your query!
Erin
www.erinbradypike.com
This query shows that you can write, which is a good thing. However, it reads more like a synopsis than a query. Focus on the inciting incident, what Sophie wants, and what stands in her way.
ReplyDeleteI've posted mine on my blog too! Thanks for suggesting it, Susan!
ReplyDeletehttp://erinbradypike.com/critique-my-query/
Hi Susan,
ReplyDeleteAnother Janet Reid follower here. I agree with the commenters above. Drop the backstory (though I love the language in it!). Start with what really kicks the story off. Love E.B. Pike's sentence suggestion. Seems to fit the tone and gets right to the point.
We need to know what happens to Sophie through the course of the story. If she’s our main POV character, you need to focus on her in the query and show how the other characters actions affect her. (i.e., don’t focus so much on Luc unless you show how it relates to Sophie.)Show us why we should care that Sophie can now time travel. What's at stake? Does she know that Luc is the architect and will kill himself so she goes on a mission to save him? Or is she trying to save the planet from destruction? If so, those are some high stakes. And we need to see them!
Also, the word disintegrate threw me a bit. I imagined Chad literally crumbling to pieces in the back of the car, but really he just disappeared/dematerialized. Not sure if anyone else had that issue, but wanted to put it out there.
I've posted my query and would love feedback from anyone who's interested. Thanks for being the brave one to start this! http://susanbishopcrispell.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/love-cupcakes-query/
I'm excited about this query critique idea! I love that we're all helping each other out. Need to start a writer blog I guess to post my own horrendous query! I'd be happy to do a track changes on a query for anyone, though I have zero literary credentials.
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ReplyDeleteOK, you're all saying pretty much the same thing. It looks like I need to get rid of the first two 'backstory' paragraphs and then find some way to integrate key points made in those paragraphs into the remaining two paragraphs of the query (eg. the architect). This is great help because it will roughly halve the length of my query (now weighing in at over 400 words), get the inciting incident (or 'hook') at the top, and also follow Janet's fundamental rule: show, don't tell.
ReplyDeleteAs far as POV, the book is kind of a love story between Luc and Sophie as we watch them grow into adults and then well into old age, always struggling against this powerful force that separates them for months, or even years, of their lives. So there are really two main characters, no single POV.
I never really thought about my use of the word 'disintegrate' until Susan mentioned it, but she's right -- it could suggest dismemberment, not at all what I had in mind. 'Dematerialized' might be a better word. Thanks for that.
For those who posted links to your queries, I'll be looking at those tonight when I get home from work. I hope Janet Reid doesn't take offense at what we're doing. If I thought I had any chance of winning, I probably would have played it safe and waited until the end of the contest to form a group like this. But there are some pretty seasoned writers in this contest, including many of you. I didn't want to miss out on connecting with you guys before it was all over.
The fact that you're all so consistent is good news. It means that it's very obvious to everyone how I went wrong. You get to the point where you just can't see your work objectively anymore.
The opening two sentences are cliche. Things are bad then worse. Yeah. Sorry, but that is true for all novels.
ReplyDeleteYou story really starts when the boy, Chad, is killed. Everything that comes before that needs to fit into one paragraph. Focus on the time traveling. I thought it was a YA boy meets girl story until you got to the murder. The plot with the time traveling and the environment aspect is more unique. Play that up.
My two cents worth. I hope it helps.